All Things Come in Waves~~

lessons that are so old, but new to me

2009-11-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

1. Beautiful things can come out of shit.
2. Beautiful things can come out of nothing.
3. When someone criticizing you, it is only because they are deflecting criticisms others have of them.
4. Kwan Yin approach never goes out of style.

lesson: fuck compartmentalism!

2009-10-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think i should start a new journal for this or that reason but fuck it it makes things complicated. i like this all-in-one thing i got going.

anyway. today i was sitting there on the step of my gelato shop. i was simply looking at my surroundings, looking at the people: tourists (drive-in, flew in from some country in another continent, suburb/big city/rural area in america), fellow warriors in the service industry, families, older couples, couples on dates, group of teenagers, street performer/vendor/fortune teller. when i look at all the people i'm surrounded by i think "wow, this is america." many people may not understand what that means; i cannot fully define what that means. its america, and all that entails, fully encompassing all the ways that word means what it means.

i called my friend adnan, an old friend. sometimes i call him up for random conversations that i always mean to be short but because they're rather intellectual (i honestly dont get enough of that most people are intimidated by and/or too lazy for such conversation) they end up being quite lengthy. most times these heart2hearts end awkwardly but i dont care i'm glad i talked to him and i'm glad they end the way they do.

in short, here are some key points i'm safeguarding here for future reference. in no particular order

-will war ever end? no. anyway it's been happening for quite some time now. only been on the forefront now because weapons are cheap, among other reasons.

-a good way to decrease war: agreements between countries.

-not everyone has an empathetic point of view. a lot of people out there don't exactly know what it feels like to be a "have-not" and so, cannot empathize with the problems of someone who is going through "have-not" type situations.

-if you grew up in Texas, and overall in the southern regions of the United States, FACE IT: YOU WERE RIPPED OFF in your education. if you don't understand this now, go up north and check it out for a minute. Then honestly, objectively think about it. YOU WERE JIPPED. But it's okay, because at least you're not even in the worst-of-the-worst.

-if you look people in the eye, they are more likely to trust everything you say is truth.

-have/have-not is something that is prevalent in all aspects of life on the micro- and macro-cosmic level. it's pretty "trippy" for the likes of me, personally, but it's okay that this kind of thing psyches me out.

-one of the reasons i got into creative things is to convey such personal discoveries in an easily-acceptable, appealing, intriguing fashion.

-New Orleans is most notably functioning in its own economic bubble. reasons:
A: federal funding from Katrina relief pumped money into New Orleans economy; its effect coincidentally pumped money into New Orleans in time to sustain it during the depression
B: New Orleans is a city based on vices; people come here to get away from their problems, spend lots of money on tourist type things, eat out every night they're here, spend money on various accomodations, public transportations, etc. people come here to "live easy," spend freely.

--anyway, this is the first of many such notations, i'm sure.

what changed?

2009-10-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

there's a man who comes in every evening now, he's the conductor for the play down the street. some of the musicians come in here too before the show. anyway. one day...

[me yawning as i pour his cup of coffee]

HIM: been a long day?

P: yah, a buncha runnin around.
[we chuckle]
you know, when i was younger i thought it was so fun to go out and do errands! now, it's different. know what i mean?

HIM: yah, things change.

P: tell me, is it just me because i got older and busier, or is it the world because it got faster and busier? what is it, what changed?

HIM: oh well i don't know, if i had the answer for that...i don't know, but i think it's the fun. you don't have as much fun as you used to when you get older.

P: ohh--the FUN FACTOR?

HIM: yah, that's it, the fun factor. anyway that's my answer today. we'll see about tomorrow.

so i guess that's it. the fun factor. then it hit me: how do we have fun as we get older? i skate, but i gotta confess, my right ankle isn't as young as it used to be...it's kinda hard sometimes. i still think that's fun.

what else? i guess i participate in creative projects, that's fun. really fun. earning lots of tips, that's fun. i dont really drink that much. that was never too much fun for me to begin with. i dont do psychedelics anymore either, i've learned to be psychedelic without the substances. in this way, i have learned to create my own fun with only my mind. but is this enough? am i forgetting something i should know about? smoking's fun. willie nelson said "it takes the edge off." bless him for being so right. in this way, i definitely don't forget how to have fun.

but what is it? what is this stress monster? how do i defeat it? what powers of my mind do i need (or need to cultivate)?
===

other than that, not too much to complain about. house is SPOTLESSSS due to someone's mother coming for halloween. also, the dogs are starting to fill out more, means i'm doin a good job of feeding them. work is the same, a bit better. cant complain. might have my rent fully by the 1st, that's very exciting to me. can't complain.

PROMPT: WRITE HOW YOU FEEL AFTER TRYING OUT THE NEW AND IMPROVED LOOSENED UP DECK:

2009-10-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

WOW it feels amazing i never felt anything like it before. seriously. loosen up, we always say in jest and good cheer. but man when one actually does loosen up, it's like the light is brighter, seeing each individual blade of grass for the first time, like letting go of bowel movements long overdue. this new loose setup has opened up my mind's eye in my skateboard. i feel like i've been reborn, i feel like i've found the eighth ply. my board just took on a whole new meaning. my life has been most epically changed. i'm totally juiced. i'm so amped. i'm way amped. i am so upset it's rainy right now or else god bless it i'd be out there right now 2 am all wild in the streets i'd be my own one-woman second line. instead of writing about it; but for now i'm dreaming about it like the kiss i can't wait to feel like i can't wait for my next date with this tre' chic dreamboat annie of a deck.

i
want
to
fuck
in
ride
this
deck
all
night
long
people
watch
me
come
in
real
fast
every
where
i
go
people
watch
me
big
luau
skate
mama
no
mumu

WEH

2009-10-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

in google we trust

2009-10-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

look up your name. what do you see? a lot of names similar to yours? events you were part of a long time ago? is it an accurate summary of what you've been doing these past few years? any photos? videos?

i googled my name today for the first time in a while. i think the last time i did it was when i was a reference librarian and no one was around to help, so i was bored and looked up my name. PAULA ANICETE, PAULA ANNE ANICETE, PAULA ANNE SOCCO ANICETE.

i am always surprised at all the other anicete's i see on the web. are they actually related to me? my last name is quite unusual, i'm not even being boastful. other filipinos dont have names like this, they're usually names like macasaet, garza, villareal, or something.

anyway.

so i look up my name. people who dont know me can gather that i was once employed with the houston public library (i'm quite proud of this), VOICES BREAKING BOUNDARIES, kayumanggi pinoy rock band, overgrown (westheimer street festival), They Who Sound, which was this underground artsy series in houston circa 2008, and just mostly noted in a few houston art blogs. oh, and also you can find my articles i write for daybowbow, my latest writing commitment.

is this an accurate electronic depiction of the sum of my life's work as of yet?

i guess so. nowhere does it say, however, that i ever worked for the Fil-Am Press, which was a pretty big commitment in my life for a few years. this blog is also under the radar.

interesting.

i've only been at this "artist" thing for 2-3 years. i'm okay with that, and with whatever notes people have of me online.

there are sparks i feel going off inside me. i am mesmorized at the thought of finally giving in to my creative endeavors and just do it. put all of my heart and effort into making really awesome art-related things. i get scared though, because what if it's all for nothing, all for a flash-in-the-pan success? what if the things i'm pouring my life energy into now are just piddly things that don't amount to anything major in the end? what exactly IS the thing i'm trying to amount to?

i get easily allured into artistic endeavors, and out of focusing on my impending teacher certication exam. from this i derive some anxieties.

i've been known to make it, against all odds. let's hope that's something very true about me.

dream

2009-10-23T08:42:00.001-07:00

In this world I visited, I had two friends who couldn't conceive on their own, so they asked me if I would bear their child for them. Next thing I know I was taking this pill, and all of a sudden I was pregnant. In this world, apparently, all I would have to do as a third party was take this pill created out of the client's dna genes and whatnot.

Anyway, I only felt compelled to write about this dream when I remembered what feelings I had in this dream. Feelings of being trapped, of being forced into something I don't want to do. I was upset that I didn't have any options. I could abort--I was thinking of taking a pill to undo the pill pregnancy--that's pretty reasonable, yes? But it was the fact that I had that obligation to fulfill, a binding contract. It did not feel good to be bound in this fashion. I was nervous and afraid.

I was nervous and afraid of the pain that comes with giving birth. So many people say that, then have kids, but seriously I swear I am not one of those people. I think that shit would suck so hard. Pain beyond anything I can stand, so much that I would need an EPI OH MY GOD AN EPI a shot to my vertebrae WHICH HURTS IN ITSELF I mean jeez it's my friggin VERTEBRAE.

And all the while my innards are making me feel all sorts of foreign (yet not so foreign because it's centuries old) feelings and I'm having foreign (yet not so foreign because for centuries women and other females across kingdom/phylum/rank/genus/order/species/etc) reactions. I am contracting, a baby is kicking and traveling southwards within me...

Yah, that shit's too much. What the fuck. I can't do it. Anyone that says it's not that bad only says it because they decided to go for the epidural, which probably means they don't have an aversion to needles. I, however, a strong, intrinsic aversion to needles. I got my immunization shots last month for a plethora of things recently. I walked out a big, sniffling baby. People usually have a tough time with my skin because of my eczema...like I have literally thick skin and they are off-put because they have to get a bigger needle or "jab" a bit more...it's scary to me, and the soreness I feel is worse than any of the falls I've ever had on my skateboard, or at least just as bad and def. not as fun.

It began when I was 4 and had to get my immunization shots for pre-school. My mother knew I wouldn't like the shots; for the past year I'd been taking all kinds of "little" injections for this or that, and doctors taking blood for my "tests" about my eczema and whatnot. So these "big" immunization shots, "big" because they can make your arm really sore for hours even days, were really going to make me upset. Knowing that I love books, she told me we were going to the library. We went as far as the parking lot for the library, where the immunizations tent was.

I was upset somethin fierce, I was crying, screaming, I tried to bite the nurses! It took at least a couple nurses and the doctor to administer those immunizations. I was probably like a mini version of Elizabeth Taylor from The Taming of the Shrew.

I don't remember if we even went to the library afterwards.

I would never put myself in a circumstance in which I was forced to do something I don't want to do and suffer the painful consequences.

What does this mean to me in reality, if that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this dream?

I immediately think of my loans. I really must try to salvage what I can from that.

rainy evening

2009-10-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

i like it, i like the sound of water and the blues from the radio intermingling. i like the muggy-then-breezy feel of tonight. it's so romantic.

i am not sad it's raining. I love how film noir it looks: the black and white taxi cabs and bright red brakelights, the way the wet streets reflect everything.

i haven't skated in a while, i did for a little bit today, on the way to the park to meet my friends for acro-yoga.

THAT'S MY NEW THING, by the way: acrobatics.
seriously.

i love it, i love feeling very "present," very "in" my body. i love walking on slackrope; acro makes me feel strong and graceful at the same time.

i didn't even mind when an ant bit my toe and it swelled up so huge and was prickly and itchy (i'm allergic to ants).

the good and bad.

2009-10-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

GOOD:
-i'm getting into voodoo fest for free and seeing THE FLAMING LIPS!
-going to City Park to watch a good play @ 7 am tomorrow
-got into a housecleaning gig, $50 guaranteed for next week!
-the puppet show was a smash success
-applying to the herb import, more housecleaning gigs, and asking for more hours @ other la divina shoppes.
-starting to make payments again to my student loans.

BAD:
-i gotta call the ombudsman for my other loans.
-my teacher exam's coming up, ready or not.
-i really might have to make up a "Plan C" for my future plans.
-don't wake up early enough, dont have a morning routine so i end up kind of wasting chunks of time and before i know it it's afternoon...

at least bad still outweighs good.

My moontime.

2009-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Too cold to wake up early, but I do, to take him to work. Bum! What else is new! obviously nothing's changed!

Before noon the moon dropped, to remind me of some other woman's--don't matter if she was ever real or not--naivete. It sucks, yes. Unfair, yes. But at least it gives us a great excuse to be unapologetically snappy, laugh at ourselves, and maybe if it's bad enough, a damn good excuse to take off for work. Also a great excuse for medical marijuana.

This is what I'd get med scripts for I tell you hwhat. Terrible red sea pains. The worst tsunami tempests deep inside where hardly anyone goes, except for once in their life before they're even born.

I felt quite fucked up, nothing like this kind of pain. I tried to smoke it away, but, still aching, I managed to pull myself together and go to puppet show practice. I was kind of scared I would take someone out on my way to Joey's; I have a history of getting into accidents while on my moontime. I can't help it, I get so out of it, worse than getting fucked up on pills or whatever people do.

I was very glad when I got to Joey's and he helped me by driving to the practice spot. I was very glad to not be driving, especially because he says he loves to drive. I used to love driving, but I guess 9 years of doing it kinda wears on a person after all...

Practice was alright. I kept getting impatient and felt too bad to properly introduce myself with enthusiasm. I was throbbing inside. Bum. It was nice to be with my friends though, started to feel better and got a decent first practice underway.

Now here at work want to just lay down and pass out. I always feel compelled to write when I'm on my moon, even though it's quite cliche and probably only sounds great to me while I'm on my moon. But I like documenting it because I feel it's slightly taboo to do so, and intensely personal.

A friend told me once that back in the day there was this thing called the Red Tent, and women were sent there on their moontime. Lots of times women who hang out with each other alot get their periods at the same time, so in a small community, probably all the women had it around the same time...anyway, the Red Tent was a place to be isolated because of the moon, but then also women looked forward to it because it was a time they spent on themselves and not supporting the family unit.

Must look into this...

one day turns into another.

2009-10-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

I really felt an electric quality in the air all day. Maybe that's what happens when it gets cold for the first time in the year. It's exciting just to know I won't be dealing with mosquitoes anymore.

Can't help but get nostalgic around this time too. I keep thinking of what it was like this time last year, my first winter in another place. This was the first month in my huge apartment/house; I really felt--and still do feel--excited to be here.

Furthermore, a lot of people come back around this time: responsible transient types, hobo bums, hippies, gutterpunks and scumfucks all coming back with their dogs, alt.-fuel buses and brown with dirt from all over and not bathing since 5 states ago. Yep, they're all coming back and it's kind of cool because its like reverse spring, as if autumn is spring and the social scene here are the bizarro reverse flowers.

There were incidents on Friday I wanted to discuss here because after they happened I was so shocked I started thinking about everything in a new way and was getting somewhere interesting with it.

Alas, it's too late to type about it. Maybe tomorrow.

just focusing on the art.

2009-10-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

The show last Tuesday was a smash success. Anyone who reads this and wishes to receive a free audio copy of the show, cleverly mastered by Clay, is welcome to request via my email, polanne@gmail.com

The bands from Baltimore were great, they were noise bands and played really aggressive, short sets. Relax did alright for a first time out.

I meant to take a hiatus and focus strictly on studying, but as I'm slowly easing into a "Plan B" of sorts, I'm re-examining my direction, my options, and somehow facing all the pressure while at the same time being objective and open about everything.

Perhaps I'll study while I'm at work later. I'm also thinking of applying for a part-time position at Rev. Zombie's Voodoo Shop. Funny, huh? Let's see if I get a cashier position there, that would be kinda fun.

After a stressful night last night, I called up Joey this morning and we got together for a minute. Between the smoke clouds we talked about jammin again, and possibly going another direction (speaking of direction) in music. We got high-tingled at the thought of going this insane new direction, minimalist, frighteningly new yet old direction, a la Tiny Music from Chicago. I am very excited, as I've lately felt the pull towards theatrics more and more.

NEXT SUNDAY IS A PUPPET SHOW, but not just any puppet show, it's shadow puppets, with a really bizarre story line. Joey wants to compose music for it, but doesn't want to do it alone, he says. So I'm hopping on the boat. Can't resist--maybe now I can finally use the innovative tricks in my CREATE YOUR OWN STAGE EFFECTS book I mistakenly stole one day at Half Price Books.

How funny...and just the other day I was thinking about asking for work at La Petit Theatre!

I can add this to my reportoire, my list of experience, and especially exciting because now I'm finally starting to branch out into New Orleans art scene, which is very exciting. I have visions of trying to get booked with Dave as a Nameless Sound special show of sorts, as if I come home and show I never stopped being creative, and look here's a new thing I've found and brought back to the hometown to share...

that kind of thing.

Anyway I think I'm getting pretty juiced about this Puppet Show. It's next Sunday (what's up with the short timespan to put something together? That Hunter's Field show happened only 1 week after we started jamming informally). Time is of the essence. Creativity dripping out my ears. All the bumminess in the world can't bum me out I'm so amped on the art wave I just want a piece of the action everything else will figure itself out an I will too.

Not making much sense to others right now I'm sure but that's ok I know later I'll catch my own drift

Have a surfin' day~

"what does it matter"

2009-10-11T18:41:00.001-07:00

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS: what does it matter? What does it matter which way I go in life, as long as I've got a compass that kind of works--and I know how to work with the kinks and quarks--what does it matter if I stay or go? Smoke in my shoppe when my bosses aren't around? Have sex before I get married? Have debts but only pay them a little at a time? Struggle a bit? Live in a bizarre, bustling neighborhood? What does it matter if my hair is longer on one side than the other, have wavy hair instead of pressed straight, don't shave my arms or legs or you-know-where?

Sometimes you gotta just realize all that, handle up as needed. That's how we do, how we've always done. That's probably what my Lolo Daddy was talking about when he said, "You don't stop struggling until you're 6 feet underground." God bless him he was wider than I can ever comprehend if that's only one clip of what he ever said, one tidbit from the great wonderful whole of his life.

And so I am suddenly filled with a strange mood. I am typing in the window of the shoppe. It's a slow, rainy night. My tipjar is so empty I feel like I could cry. Sirens are roaring past me from an EMS truck. Tourists walk by with umbrellas. Cigarette butts litter the gutter. Another day in New Orleans.

I am suddenly filled with a strange mood, but also very inspired. I feel like I'm letting go of a lot of things, and I'm okay with that! I don't know how to describe it. For example, earlier today I found out a customer here builds sets for La Petit Theatre. I was stoked, I thought he did construction, like for buildings. Well so he says all i have to do to start working with them is talk to a person, Josh (or is it John, oh dear I've forgotten), talk with them about my experience; he says they always need help of some sort. I'd like to give that a shot.

I was in Half-Price Books once, with Lucas. I think it was a rainy, cold day. I accidentally walked out with the best book I could've ever stolen--STAGE EFFECTS. Was it ever an accident? It was a blessing. I want to do stuff like that. Especially the projections and the lighting, and also building stages. I used to do makeup so well (and boldy) in high school people thought I would do makeup for a living. So there. I was already living the book, and now here was more ideas, an expansion of my present knowledge, a source of inspiration.

What I'm getting at is why don't I start doing that now in the shoppe? In this window. It would probably stop people from looking through and staring at me, that shit's creepy. But anyway, a lot of times I think about "how cool it would've been if I did ______ when I could've." Hindsight's always 20/20 ain't it. So I'm thinking well the way things are going, I might have to start thinking of a PLAN B for if I don't pass the exam the first time. Maybe I'll have some time on my hands, just study, work at the shop, maybe start working at the theatre, continue tutoring Ahmed, get on food stamps, and basically just start re-budgeting so I can pay my bills more (and Ma would pay less)….and start getting into doing installations again…but WINDOW INSTALLATIONS! We have track lights, I can play with shadows, gels, shapes. It could be fun! My art would be seen by a shitfukton of people in one day, and people wouldn't be able to help themselves, it would probably be quite eye-catching.

So how about that. What does it matter if I can't pass it the first time? What does it matter if I take a long time closing? In the long run, it's not worth the stress, things work out, even out. I will--We all will--get through it. In the end it won't even be something worth remembering, it'll be a small speck of detail compared to the successes, accomplishments, achievements in the spirit of putting one's self out there, jumping out into the Almighty Abyss. I will get through it. Julie said I would. She knows me very well, what I am capable of, has understood me since before I even understood myself. I believe in her, believe why she believes in me. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm gonna stop!

I gotta get back to work, it's 1050 and now a slow day has turned out to be not so bad. But what does it matter, right?! I made a few breakthroughs in this short time writing.

here we are again

2009-10-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

about now's the time one contemplates changing her layout, considering a new blog altogether...

but i wont go into all that changing, i've grown rather accustomed to this one, grown alot with it. i remember starting it in 2006, back when i was in my old apartment in 3rd ward.

i've changed, my life's changed, so much. this is good documentation of everything. i'm okay with that.

it's a rainy day. i'm eating chinese food at the red apple, next door to the laundrymat. that's what they call em here, whereas in houston one might say washateria, or maybe lavanderia.

well after that little clip i finished my laundry and went to band practice. THAT'S RIGHT! I'M IN A BAND! my very first nola band. THE RELAX BAND. we're bluesy, and definitely fun. i like how we're very organically new orleans: we're all playing blues, r&b, talkin about the Mississippi River, losin dogs in the neighborhood, and about real neighborhood characters in the Quarter. i love it.

we play a show this tuesday, even though we only officially became a band about last week or so. it's gonna be a generator show; that is, we're gonna be playing out in this skate spot, under the i-10 overpass, out in the open. it's gonna be SICK.

i'm working on documenting that for posterity, if only just sound.

stay tuned~

Field Day at Audubon Park!

2009-06-12T11:40:00.001-07:00

we were across the street from Loyola. It was great seeing the kids act like kids, instead of preoccupied with being cool or whatnot.

photobucket slideshow: NOLA LYFE

2009-06-12T10:40:00.001-07:00

big blessings poppin & the devil can't stop it baby

here's a slideshow of photos here & there. if you don't like the slideshow (i dont know if i like it myself) just click the image and it'll take you to the album.

In this batch of photos, you will see my new kicks i got cuz they're just so...bombastic...my favorite chill spot, the john, me hanging out w/ my friends sara wex, maggie and paige, and some home-life pics w/ me, clay, our friend carlos, and of course filbert & snuggie.

bon appetit~

So far so good...

2009-06-04T04:28:00.001-07:00

This is what service has been like for me lately:

Service.

100 hours kickoff (to madness)

2009-06-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

and so begins my quick descent into losing control...

the other day at work my boss pulled me over before i signed in, and talked to me. seriously talked to me. because he cares. the last he heard from me i was crying because i had to accept that the cake (inkinded for 70 people!) wasn't going to happen. by the end of it i came away with two things: 1)i canNOT stop talking to my mother, and 2)i can't lose control.

so i'm not really going to lose it. i'm gonna try hard not to anyway. if ever i feel tired, i will simply say "i prefer not to." bartleby style. simply refuse. i like that. i'm gonna do that. it'll be great. a small way to stand up for myself.

anyway. at least it all begins on a beautiful sunny day...

100 hours kickoff (to madness)

a hideaway on the westbank...video!

2009-06-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

Paige's house!

2009-06-01T10:52:00.001-07:00

At Paige's House

Philbert & Snuggie

2009-05-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

my fave pic from halloween

2009-05-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

skating near dom's side down the crowded streets of the french quarter

for future ref

2009-05-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

apply for out of state certificate
3 year nonrenewable certificate

are required to complete testing requirements:
praxis exams, lataap
praxis 1: reading, writing & math (unless made 22 composite score on ACT)
praxis 2: education of exceptional students core content knowledge (0353)
praxis 2: education of exceptional students, mild/mod disabilities (0542)

call this for scheduling tests: 1800.772.9476
web: ets.org, 2 years

on ets.org: praxis practice material that's free!
also, there are some prep classes may be available through universities.

http://certificationmap.com/states/become-a-teacher-in-louisiana/#recp

I THINK I JUST VERBALLY VOMITED: as you get older your life in hindsight ends up as one big pile of memories....

2009-05-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

what is happening to me? i keep thinking about "back in the day", think of my old high school days when i randomly found my high school band's website, Kerr High School Symphonic Band circa 2001 and as i'm listening to that bitch of a song "Tempered Steel" I think of how hard it was for Ms. Price, band director, to have molded a large group of high school students...no wonder she quit after my year...and then about all those times i'd practice, and about all the people in the band...how we were back then, all the places we went as a band...and wonder how we are all now, in our own lives...and then i remember all about being a high schooler, and how i loved and hated it because i was always kind of a loner, this kind of girl who never fit into any clique, but wasnt someone to feel terribly sorry for because she was always busy with her own thing, i.e. going to college poetry readings, and just foolin around downtown, doin everything she can to get out of alief whenever possible...

well anyway i remember how easy and simple everything was, of course in hindsight now that i'm older with more problems/responsibilities, everything back then seems like a cakewalk. and i think of how far i've come (and everyone else too) since that time in our lives, listening to this old band music like some long lost piece of Alief, some strange sonic archaeology. i think of everything that's happened since that time, and try to connect the present with the past and even older past....it's all such a trip.

does anyone in the world read this blog? does anyone in the world understand what i'm trying to say?

memory is a curse and a blessing. it all piles up. gets confused. sometimes we forget and sometimes we dont even know we forget until someone sparks a memory within us and we're like "oh yah! i remember that! i almost forgot!" and then i get tripped out, because i keep thinking of my currently temporary position here in new orleans, about how much i know i'll miss city year as hard as it's been, if only for more of the people. how i'll miss living here and everything about the life i've carved out for myself (like REALLY carved for myself, as i've struggled here with only minimal help from the parents), and therefore can say that my life here in nola has truly been my very own and no one else's.

i'll miss living here so much just like i missed living in houston, and how i'll be torn, torn between here, houston, the philippines...memories constantly pulling me every which way. emotions can be turbulent. i get dizzy and struggle to sit up straight, balance my head with my body and not fall to the floor in a strange stupor.

timewarp, i guess. i get mixed up in the tempests of time. present,past, even older past, and future all get mixed up. i've died and been reborn over and over, so many times i've lost count. of course i've grown so i'm not the same person i once was, but there are still parts of me that haven't changed.

i think of friends i've gained, lost along the way, same for those i loved so much giving them all of me at that point--friendships i thought would never dissolve, they did over time. i wonder if they've forgotten about me. i obviously haven't forgotten about them. i wonder who i've forgetten without even knowing i've forgotten them. i think of people literally slipping of the landscape of my mind.

i think of all the stuff i've gone through to get to this point, this very moment in my life where i'm in a school in New Orleans, so close to the Ol' Miss River. i think of my family with a sort of love and dread. i think of how i fought to get out of houston. i think of how i've fought all this time to get to where i am. i think of all the things i have yet to do. clueless about what's in store. maybe when my life is quieter (june 18 = i graduate from city year!) i will have a better idea, be better able to see forward in time with my mind's eye.

even just coming here, deciding to say YES to doing City Year: i think of all i've gained--and most importantly lost or temporarily put on hold--to do it. i think of the positive impact i've made, that others have made on me. i think of pieces of myself i've forgotten/put on hold. i think of how hard it might be to get back on track with some things. some things just can't wait for me to get back to them, like a dog i've left in the house all alone, itching for me to come home so i can pay attention to it again...still some things are spilling out of me without my control; poetry & music in particular are doing this. some things wait for me to some back, others force their own return into my life.

i wonder if it's weird to imagine myself fragmented like this. i feel it's only normal since i've had to disssect my life, pick only certain necessary things to carry on with. some things i've willingly left behind. some things are so different and disconnected from my past that they can only be thought of as separate from other parts of me. i dont deny that they are all, indeed, parts of me though.

times like these when the weightiness of life really gets me (this shit's so deep man!) and i'd rather die now than live a lifetime of more memories, getting crushed under the weight of it all.

my mind's eye is looking back through distance in time and space, and i get all whirled up about it.

Our Heroes field trip to the Aquarium!

2009-05-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

just a few pics from that special day...