i have to wake up every weekday at approximately 630 am so i can skate to work (30 min) so i can catch a ride from my friend at our office so we can commute together to the school we work at (30 min). it is hard to wake up in the morning because it's cold as fuck and i think i'm getting older and older, and my body is slowly starting to disagree with me and how i skate so much.

is that possible!? i stretch at least before and/or after and i know others older than me that skate harder than i do. i must be overweight? it must be the food i eat? might consider renovating my diet.

then after work (5 pm) i usually go to my other job at the gelato shop, 7-10 pm. usually get outta there abt 1030. by the time i get home, it's about 1045-11ish pm. cook dinner, eat, clean, chill, sleep. repeat again hours later.

OH! SACRIFICE!

i'm tired tired tired. there is nothing i can do about it except to deal, cope. i feel completely shitty every day and annoyed and very tired. i rely too much on caffeine.

i knew this was coming eventually, what with the way i seem to run on endless energy. all things come in waves; energy is no different.

i must find some quiet time. i must find time not only to unwind and destress from the day, but a time for peaceful meditation, reflection. i need time to visualize my next steps so i might actualize it later on. furthermore, this will help because lately i've been feeling a bit anxious about my future. usually i have a good idea, but lately, i haven't got a clue.

sometimes i catch a whiff of my skin: it smells like coconut oil.

am i really making a difference? Arthur Ashe Charter School is soo far away. i have one student i tutor. i dont know if i make much difference with him. i level books to put the library in order. i guess that helps. sometimes i do spoken word with students, thats good, we've only done it once.

eh. city year is confusing, unorganized, convoluted. i think right now i hate city year. makes things that are otherwise easy overcomplicated.

can i make it to june? do i have it in me? am i really here for this? is national service supposed to be like this?

sorry i complained so much in this post, but this is how i feel. city year is pushing me more towards substance abuse and unhealthy life choices.

MY HERO: CHARLES BUKOWSKI

Charles Bukowski was born in Andernach, Germany on August 16, 1920, the only child of an American soldier and a German mother. At the age of three, he came with his family to the United States and grew up in Los Angeles. He attended Los Angeles City College from 1939 to 1941, then left school and moved to New York City to become a writer. His lack of publishing success at this time caused him to give up writing in 1946 and spurred a ten-year stint of heavy drinking. After he developed a bleeding ulcer, he decided to take up writing again. He worked a wide range of jobs to support his writing, including dishwasher, truck driver and loader, mail carrier, guard, gas station attendant, stock boy, warehouse worker, shipping clerk, post office clerk, parking lot attendant, Red Cross orderly, and elevator operator. He also worked in a dog biscuit factory, a slaughterhouse, a cake and cookie factory, and he hung posters in New York City subways.

Bukowski published his first story when he was twenty-four and began writing poetry at the age of thirty-five. His writing often featured a depraved metropolitan environment, downtrodden members of American society, direct language, violence, and sexual imagery, and many of his works center around a roughly autobiographical figure named Henry Chinaski. His first book of poetry was published in 1959; he went on to publish more than forty-five books of poetry and prose, including Pulp (Black Sparrow, 1994), Screams from the Balcony: Selected Letters 1960-1970 (1993), and The Last Night of the Earth Poems (1992). He died of leukemia in San Pedro on March 9, 1994.
-----------------------

THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES. I know this, have always known this. For the art to live, the artist must sometimes work different shit jobs like Bukowski, or lead a double life job like Wallace Stevens (insurance agent!) or William Carlos Williams (doctor who delivered babies!). Through all this, the artist must never lose sight of his art, why he must experience strife, and sometimes near poverty and seemingly abysmal debt. However, through all this, the artist and his spirit usually prevails....the trick to prevailing: putting your heart into it, and never giving up.

Go Hank! Thank you for existing

tired day

although i was very tired and almost didnt feel like doing anything at work, i was really happy to work with the student i tutor. he did very well and i felt quite proud of him.

cant wait to go home--today's my day off of work. my three boys are waiting for me there.
***

IN OTHER NEWS: i jammed with my friend sara and another girl, lizzy, last sunday. kittens can attest to the awesomeness of the session. we are slated to get together again in two weeks, and learn each others' songs, as well as covers we've always wanted to do. I will be playing clarinet and singing, it seems. I'm excited. we're going to try learning songs, and then recording and playing shows...my dreams are slowly coming true...

ALSO: i pitched my art show idea to my boss, he said he's down! so i'm letting everyone know it's a go, and also to write me a little about themselves/their outfit so i can include it in a proposal. YES: my boss asked for a proposal so he can properly advertise it, like on the local community radio station WWOZ, and with his business partners and whatnot. this is gonna blow up. I look forward very much to February.

happy day, happy day.

just been trying to take things easy, and stay productive, and not sweat the little things.

yesterday was pretty annoying. I slept the night before from like 7-2, when Kittens and Kate came home with a couple friends. It was alright until they started bickering (they always do!) and more drama in my bathroom (they always have some drama in my bathroom!) and it wasn't until 4-5 that I got back to sleeping, only to wake up very grumpy yesterday morning. but the rest of the day was pretty lax. work was way lax, only made a couple dollars tip (slow night in the FQ) and afterwards I caught a good cover band on the way to hiho lounge where lots of people were hangin out. Ally was there, we talked a lot. good times.

last night i expressed my feelings to Kittens and Kate; I hate holding things in, especially because it's very annoying to work 15 hr. days and then come home to a mess and cant get sleep when you need it! well, i expressed it in a sweet, concerned way. i really do care about that cat. i want him to be the person he always wanted to be. i want him to keep growing and adding onto himself, not get dragged down or held back by anything...

IN OTHER NEWS:
the first art show i'm curating (ever) is on many people's minds, it's in the air heavier than fog from Ol'Miss. I'm excited. I really feel this will work out. Ally, Joey, Perry, Jackson, and others in Bad Originals (art crew here in NOLA) have been excited about making pieces for it. Furthermore, I think Ian's getting his mom to contribute some of her latest work, marker pointillism pieces. I'm way excited to see that...

The young student I tutor every day is starting to blossom under my care. This is the most exciting moment, when you realize you're starting a spark within them, when you realize you're actually making a difference.

Praise the universe for the chance to work like this, here in nola, this day i get to live, the people in my life, and for the peaceful times, because lord knows how choppy the seas can get.

YOU ARE THE SUN, BRINGING LIGHT INTO THE WORLD.
YOU ARE NEEDED, YOU ARE LOVED.
TODAY IS A BLESSING, A GIFT
YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK: SHINE THE BRIGHTEST YOU CAN.


Today, as first order of business (after getting breakfast and checking other emails), I submitted an idea for a mural to be done next Monday for MLK Service Day. It's simple: a rising sun with all the beautiful dawn colors to catch people's attention, and the poem I just wrote somewhere over the dawn scene.

If the uppers like my idea, we will paint it on a wall at Walter L. Cohen High School, a school in which at least one girl in every class is pregnant, and most of the population will probably end up in jail, or at least quite unprepared for the real world ahead.

This is why I moved to New Orleans, baby.

Here's praying the Universe will let me inspire others with this mural idea...

Did this really come from the Dalai Lama?

Well, I don't think so; nevertheless, it's good advice.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.