i blog lest i forget...or lose my notebook...

i want to remember. i write to remember, to focus my mind, to help myself visualize, to organize my efforts.

B vitamins are an active girl's best friends.


things i gotta remember to write about:

1. VISUALIZING MY OLDER SELF. i have been feeling weird lately because i cannot see my future self with my mind's eye. last night, i realized it: because this is about as far as i imagined myself when i was a little girl! of course.

this epiphany has relaxed me, and also made me rather excited because now i must find time to sit in silence, meditating about what kind of person i will be in the future, provided the world don't end, or the ice caps melt and drown us all, or that we war ourselves to death...it has also caused me some anxiety, however, because i am kind of afraid of pigeonholding myself...maybe i can just visualize big things, and the details can just, uhm, work themselves out.

i want to write my visualizations down, but i don't have internet at home, and also i don't know how safe i feel writing them in my notebook when, apparently, people love to read what i write when i'm not looking.

2. game plan for in-kinding

3. game plan for art show
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last night i fought back tears while meeting with my project manager. to meet the minimun requirements of service hours, i must catch up by working about 57 hours a week until graduation in june. i was freaking out because that's a SHIT TON of hours! in addition to my ice cream shop! i was frustrated because i started feeling resentment against city year for bullying it's way to top priority in my life, and things like art and getting invited to performances have to get pushed back, or declined, because my "year of national service" comes first. i resented city year for this because it's taken a lot of effort on my part, and years of networking and chiseling at myself to build credibility and some kind of reputation so that people will extend performance opportunities to me. all this work, and i've had to decline like 2-3 big performances since i've started my work with city year.

anyway, in short, i was feeling overwhelmed.

i went home, and spent a couple hours alone at home with my dog in silence. no tv, no music, just my thoughts. after some tried and true coping mechanisms i've got, a light came on in my head, and realized that there was no reason to feel defeated! working so much, staying after hours, etc. is a great way to fit in some personal work, and feel more relaxed during the day. I will no longer have to rush to fit everything into the standard 8 hours. i can even use it as a calming silent work time, which i am grateful for the opportunity to have.

i got excited at the idea of possibly triumphing over these things that seem overwhelming.

EXCERPT:

"It's all in the mind. As long as I can stay afloat, above all the stress and find moments throughout the day for peace, I should be fine.

Gotta float above the mess. Can I do it? Will I learn the lesson or will I sink? This may be the test to see if I can truly control my environment, my body with my mind. This is me taking control of my life.

I want so much to come out on top. I feel I am gonna be seriosuly testing my limits. What is this whole CITYYEAR shit? What have I gotten myself into? This organization, this thing I wasn't even aware of until that fateful day last summer; such an invasive entity, a bully almost, shoving its way to top priority in my life.

It's easy to be negative. It's easy to be jealous and defensive and scared. It's easy to be weak, and succumb. The exceptional ones are those who overcome, and if I can overcome then surely other people can too, and maybe they can find inspiration in my example and push themselves further than they ever thought they could go...

My time here--and my life in general--can be awesome or disasterous. It's up to ME how it will be. I'm glad it's this way, anyway, instead of me being a helpless victim of circumstances..."


So once again, positive thinking. I'm a big believer of positive mental attitudes overcoming bad situations. I believe in the power of the mind. sometimes we just have to deal with things, adapt. This is me adapting, and keeping cool and using the situation to my advantage, instead of letting it dominate me.