proverbs 3:5-6

i miss many people. i never saw my departure as "escaping" or "running away", and no longer look at my departure as "tearing myself away from important things" but instead it was a sabbatical for growth, enrichment, striving to reach further out, so i may come back with "a great long story to tell," as that old Robert Johnson song said.

i miss people, so many of them, that i dont connect with anymore simply because life makes me so busy and tired, and also i dont live in houston anymore: annica, jp, jorge, mark, ilea, joel, kim, khrys, claire, amy, adrian chavana, sean carroll, the poets that used to do notsuoh poetry nights, notsuoh in general, chad, mark armes, soundwaves people, the guy who owned notsuoh and also his daughter who was sweet and very smart, my family, that cute waitress at diner 59 that was sweet to me always, juan carlos, juan fantasy and the rest of MBG, jackie gray. i even miss the ones that push me away--i. & l., my two boys that for some reason just need their time like i needed mine, so i gotta respect.

i was one of those people that had a beatles phase; i knew most of their songs. one of them: In My Life

i let it all go, i wont be sad. at least i can always look forward to reuniting, and feel comfort in the fact that nothing can separate me from the people i share deep love with, not time, space, or _______.

Please don't forget. Please understand also what a big commitment lies ahead, so you see we need this time apart.

I must tear apart my heart with my own hands, dripping like a slice of melon on the porch of a hot summer day, and again like a melon because I've become hard on the outside but inside still so sweet and ready to give.

We need time alone, to focus on personal growth. I want to come to you with so much to offer, overflowing with life picked up from faraway lands and lessons from different lives I've lived, jewels from foreign kingdoms I've mined the ends of the earth for a rich life to share with you. I hope you're doing the same.

This is not to say all my moments without you are wonderful; the thing about adventures is that sometimes it's not fun going through it but fun to recount afterward. I take it all in for me, for the moment of my return.

The long lonely nights, the restlessness as I think about who you might be with, my hesitation when I share moments with other people, the fear I may not find my way back to you--the deeper pain carves into me, the bigger hole I have for love to pour in.

carry on

i act the way i normally act, outside forces exist but wont let it affect my course in life

i should work on being more patient and just keeping shut

cityyear is draining my soul

all this for a little less than $5 K

should be more patient

people people people it takes all kinds

watermelons and pineapples on a porch in the middle of the summer

waking from a bad dream but at least with this dream i can make it how i want
should make it positive

just laugh at people i cant stand, what else can i do? if i let my negativity out i get tsked for it

freedom of speech doesnt exist here

increments to military state

accomodate accomodate

i need a break

i should get back to my self

i need to do laundry

i need time away

reconnect

remember things i forgot

i dont ever lose after all, just forget. and i dont find, i simply remember, as dom says.

patience.

dont get wrapped up in this crap, its not real. it appears to be real, but its not! the more real it is, the more fake it is. the more i'm convinced, the more it's a wool over my eyes. it's not real. none of this CY stuff is real.

in a weird funk

perhaps its cuz i'm tired? i'm kind of all over the place, and can't wait to have a break.

i visualize having a great day today. i visualize detachment from _______. i visualize a profitable day at La Divina. I visualize finding my notebook there under the counter. I visualize buying a little radio thing from Walgreens.

at least i look cute today.

my brain's dead, left my mind in lawrence, kansas years ago. i fast-forward to years later, in India getting certified to teach yoga.

what you were like

when you were in middle school/high school is in some ways how you are now.

but NOT completely.

why? because people do possess the ability to change, yet there is an undeniable nature that people have, like its just how they are, it's just their way, their essence.

i realize CITY YEAR is like high school sometimes, and my high school experience wasn't that great! people have a choice though, about how they are.

the most important thing i've learned about CY and working in teams is that COMMUNICATION is soooo very important. it's the most important thing. talking about feelings is something that shouldn't be ignored.

i want to go back to new orleans after i'm done with my certification. i am also considering perhaps connecticut, cali or maybe new york?


TOP TEN STATES FOR TEACHER PAY, according to About.com

1. Connecticut
$56,516

2. California
$56,444

3. New York
$55,181

4. Rhode Island
$54,809

5. Michigan
$54,474

6. Illinois
$53,820

7. New Jersey
$53,663

8. Massachusetts
$53,274

9. Pennsylvania
$52,640

10. Alaska
$51,136

petty
self perception
misconceptions
miscommunications
interested in myself
deeply interested in myself
mirrors all around
internalization
slightly confused
personal interest
confused interests
conflicted interests

ready to share
sometimes defensive
easy going
easily bothered
testing myself
losing focus?
quick to help
quick to judge

dont really want attention
yet loves the stage
exhibitionist with deep internal conflickt
splitting up if not already split
cold heart
time made her mean
resent building a berlin wall
an urge to shut down
urge to dispel
ignore old friends she perceives she has no more room for
she wants to start anew and none of them to be invited back
wiser than that she knows
the consequences of burning bridges