i said

i don't believe it'd bring me this far just to leave me...

an act of centering

I can't believe it! I was worried for nothing. i started work with americorps today--paid training is the best training!

jubilee and meredith are supersweet. they have been so nice to us, letting us hang out and sharing their space with us. as soon as i get myself together, i will make them a lasagna!

i love my job with city year. the people are great. i really feel i was put in the right place at the right time, and feel that i will achieve much personal growth while i'm here. thank God for the opportunities...thank God for the way out...

full force

when rough waters lie ahead
and the clouds churn above
when darkness takes over
and i'm aching for love

i go inside
love myself
i refuse to hide
i listen to my breath

the water is deep
heavy rain will fall
fears take me over
i suddenly feel small

then i remember it's all love
i suddenly have hope
i find strength in faith
my belief helps me grow

further and further
on and outer on
beyond unfathomable measure
pain turned to light

visualize to realize

an act of centering.

i want a new life. i want to grow. i want to change into a whole new better person. i want to be more complete in myself. i want to break free. i want that to be the last time i have a breakdown. i want to break out break loose break in break through anything but down! i want new endeavors. i want to grow, to change.

i wish good things for the people i love. i wish continual blessings for them. thanks to the most awesome Creator for touching the lives of my two boys, i am so happy for them. now i hope to be called on as well, like what happened to them. i want to change. i want to grow. i want to be a new person.

i visualize my eyes my ears my mind my heart opening up like sped up frames of a flower blooming like stop motion. an outpouring of my soul to give it all i've got

strength courage wisdom patience understanding the power of discernment meditation focus strong will acceptance i throw myself at the feet of the universe i lay myself down ready to be molded sculpted into someone else so different so grown unrecognizable unstoppable as strong as i was meant to be

so i am going out into the world now.

here i go. i often feel like life has been one long ride downhill on a longboard going faster and faster every second; every second it's picking up...i grip as hard as i can but worry it's not enough. flashbacks of the last time i hit the ground: i was unconscious and it cost me a first-class speedy ride to the emergency room.

yah life feels pretty much like that lately except i'm not worried about if i'll be able to grip on in life: i KNOW i can. guess it's just all this pre-planning makes me anxious. for all my carefulness, i actually despise planning.

i have faith. i know things are unfolding as it should and all i have to do is take each day as a present so beautiful i cry. and also to keep learning as much as i can from everything, this especially is a peak moment to learn the most i can out of my experiences.

and i hope to get closer to, not drift further away from, the truth.

an act of centering

in an attempt to have a productive day...

i visualize finishing all the things on my ttd list.
i visualize having a fun time tonight, and safely returning mark's things...
i visualize a successful bike fix.
i visualize swimming later tonight.
i visualize a smooth day here at the library.
i visualize being happy.
i visualize nola.

No incantations, no potions,
no rituals for raising the dead.
Anyway, what would you do
if they came back to you?

Would you gaze deep into rotten eyes?
Hold a skeleton in your arms?
No warmth from clammy skin,
dust in lieu of a lover's kiss.

There's no future with the dead.
They stubbornly stay in the past.
But don't you know it's also hard for ghosts
to stay away from those they love the most?

A divide stands where they can't cross:
the apathetic Lethe, an abyssmal valley.
They eat gray flowers to carry on,
drink river water to forget.

Die—you can't do that to a cat.
Since what can a cat do
in an empty apartment?
Climb the walls?
Rub up against the furniture?
Nothing seems different here,
but nothing is the same.
Nothing has been moved,
but there's more space.
And at nighttime no lamps are lit.

Footsteps on the staircase,
but they're new ones.
The hand that puts fish on the saucer
has changed, too.

Something doesn't start
at its usual time.
Something doesn't happen
as it should.
Someone was always, always here,
then suddenly disappeared
and stubbornly stays disappeared.

Every closet has been examined.
Every shelf has been explored.
Excavations under the carpet turned up nothing.
A commandment was even broken,
papers scattered everywhere.
What remains to be done.
Just sleep and wait.

Just wait till he turns up,
just let him show his face.
Will he ever get a lesson
on what not to do to a cat.
Sidle toward him
as if unwilling
and ever so slow
on visibly offended paws,
and no leaps or squeals at least to start.