what it takes to be an artist

1. ENERGY AND LOTS OF IT...especially when you're first starting off. because first you have to have an idea to recreate in the world outside your mind. it takes some considerable effort, will and skill to get it out. then you gotta fight against the negative ideas in your head as you're trying to complete your work. then if you don't care about sharing it with others, i suppose you're done. but if you do want to share your work with people, then of course you gotta let people know when you're debuting it. then after that, you gotta talk about the aftermath of it all. and then after that, you may be done. but if (like me) you like to try to remain in the air and ride out the wave into another wave, then you take a short break and continue working on the next project because you've piqued people's interests and they want to see more....and you don't want them to be tired of waiting, or worse, forget you...

2. BE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADER...gotta be there for yourself, do it for yourself, don't let the doubtmonsters get the best of you...

3. NEVERENDING CREATIVE ENERGY. i always have ideas spewing out, even if they may not be good ideas, or very feasible, and even if i'm already in the middle of a project...

4. STAY FOCUSED. easy to lose focus due to the doubtmonsters, or just everyday distractions from other areas of life. even ideas for other projects can be distracting.

5. HANG OUT PRIMARILY WITH OTHER CREATIVE, INSPIRING SOULS. already don't have too much time for chillin but when i do i like to spend it with people i really care about and also who get me going.
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it's pretty tough to be an artist. no one ever said it's easy anyway! although it's tough, i've enjoyed learning so much: putting together shows, advertising, promoting with people, setting things up, juggling everything...keeping my cool...
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life's been interesting lately. kind of went on hiatus from the book project (stopped at about 20-somethin) because had to concentrate on my show.

got another band goin on too. well its not really a "band" per se, but different. it's made of Perseph1 (mc), AndAccelerator (beats) and myself (lights). when they had an album release party, i volunteered to do the lights for them. another time at a warehouse party i came in while they were wrecking shop, but mark was doin his beats with one hand and holdin the strobe with the other! so i crashed their set, walked up real cool grabbed the light and wrecked shop with them :) it was so cool, they say. superhot pics of the show, they say. after that, i'm an official member of their set up. Paula Anne = Light Girl? Paula Anne = Performance Artist?

we got a show comin up on the 28th @ three muse gallery, gonna be dope because we're playing with like 7 other bands, and i came up w/ great new ideas for lights/setup with Ilea (perseph1). furthermore, people are going to be filming us for the music video we're working on!



Thunderbird's next gig is going to be in 2 weeks, july 11 @ madly studios. i'm designing a feather dress for that gig.


the trickiest thing about being an artist: not letting any of the serious stuff drop off by the wayside while working on all the fun stuff...

if you find earth boring....

...just the same old same thing
come on and sign up with OUTer Spaceways Incorporated....

BROTHER FROM ANOTHER PLANET


p.s.--it's the first day of summer :)

hello hello wake up

TIBETAN MONKS ARRESTED

TIBETAN MONKS ARRESTED IN NEPAL










the world is so big and where am i? i am a speck, a fleck of dirt swept under the rug.
the world is so big, so much to do, very little time.

its unreal to sit here comfortably at the reference desk, air conditioned, cushy chair, very comfortable mientras other people are the exact opposite.

i was just thinkin about it today as i parked my car...they said back in the day "don't trust anyone over 30." people still say it. but what can we do when the bigwigs who run the world stage are all over 30? and what happens when WE turn 30?

greed's getting the best of us. "our way or the highway" is killing us.

the vibrations here on Earth are all wrong...the vibrations of guns, stress, frustration, anger, greed, uncompassion. chivalry's dead? nah...it's brotherhood that's dead or dying...

the sleeping giant gets up and starts to stretch and scratch

and proceed with the rituals of awakening.

The Notsuoh show was a GREAT success. We made a good chunk of change. Everything turned out as I wanted. Everyone involved was so awesome. We were very blessed.

I got so much food! So many people were there! People bought my books! Even dogs came out!

In case you missed what I'm talking about, I've uploaded the recordings of the Thunderbird and 40 PRIMATES set. check out the myspace profile--it might be worth your while.....



Thank God I was totally rocked out.

state of flux

excited/nervous/anxious/tired/repeat

next week will be better
this one's almost over
end on a good note
end up on top not sunken
imagining an amazon, a goddess
not a rag doll
or some lifeless floating thing

JP--hope you can come check out this music/art show i'm having on sunday
Signe--you are the sweetest fig. thanks for sharing with your friends
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emotions easily quelled by sick skate session to take place presently

Come to Notsuoh and check us out!

Thumbnail
Originally uploaded by Paula Anne Pakwan

regaining composure

okay i'm done freaking out now. i've regained some ground. pardon my moment of weakness, just been overwhelmed lately. everything's coming together at the same time and just tryin my best to not collapse under the weight.
-defensive driving
-take final
-this friday: court
-promotion promotion promotion
-oil change
-renew car stickers
-pay insurance bill
-pay school loans
-inquire about deferment
-shop around: consolidation
-inquire about graduated loan repayment
-make more cds.


i know myself well enough to know when i'm tired. when i get so anxious, nervous, unable to see the answers, when i'm not being positive anymore, thats when i know i've had enough. just cant wait til the next couple weeks are over. need to catch my breath its been intense around here lately...

love pouring out as always, even when i dont say it.

shitty shitty shitty deal

whinin just cuz i cant get what i want because i cant manifest it for myself or they tell me i cant who is to say? who is to say? maybe i am just going crazy maybe i'm just indulging in acting like a little baby again but a life of servitude i've lived! they told me to go to college so i mindlessly agreed. get lofty ideas of finally travelin the way i want after college after i'm "free" but reality sure was harsh and i mean harsh in the form of $80+ K loan debt to pay off please dont ask me how, is what it is. so more living in servitiude spent the 6 months before loan repayment kicked desperately seeking a job and finally after a summer of barely squeaking by i land a library gig boy i'm thankful. but its still not enough. still havent traveled. got myself into this teacher certification thing because i thought it was a good idea and now i've unknowingly maybe committed myself to another year here in this hellhole of a city it makes me sick to think about staying here for another year but THERE'S OPTIONS THERE'S ALWAYS OPTIONS AND WE MUST EXPLORE THEM my mom told me throughout childhood ad nauseum finally tryin to put it to use, figurin out a way to get what i want(travel out of here) and still finish my certification but its just not enough not enough money to go around money makes things happen not enough money for a 12 week program to bypass the 1 year committment not enough money to buy/fix my bike, not enough money to pay bills not enough enough enough i've had enough if it all. and my car needs an oil change...

it's not that bad, ppl say. i'm sure its not. i'm a drama queen in my own right. i never mean to be my emotions just get the best of me i'm good at alot of things but not everything. a girl can't have her own flaws or can she.

i know how this stuff works, i post up rather emotional writing up here so i can vent and feel better, then whatever i say gets misinterpreted and i come out lookin like an unstable person, or dramatic at the least. i dont care. i think this helped. the end justifies the means. everyone's allowed at least this, we aint all perfect all the time, i'll let you see imperfections. that's reality, let's not act like imperfections dont exist its part of our humanity

doing homework outside, windy summer day

i can't see it
but i feel it
the earth is alive
wind shakes brittle
branches down
everything undone
hair has new master
dandelions' liberation--
carpets and clouds of them
sounds like crowds of trees
or the ocean
waves crashing wind
crashing waves
kites dancing, the break
screen doors open&close
yes everything is flora
the break, the brink
of shattering

heroes

1. WISLAWA SZYMBORSKA
...her poem about onion...
http://scienceblogs.com/grrlscientist/2006/04/the_onion.php

2. ...A BLESSING FROM OUT OF HERE, GEORGINA NG.


3. AGNES JASPER


why? fellow travelin women, that's why. women who've gone places and done AMAZING things....especially georgina, who is my age but has a ton of mileage on her already. xox

ttd:
-apply for scholarship
-apply for jobs
-read read read read read
-bike gang: midnight
-that guy still needs to return my bandana
-drop bike @ luc's


the trick is to imagine success. visualize to realize.
there's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick!

state of the little one

paula means little. i used to not like it at first, but now i dont mind.
little can be a good thing sometimes.


was ridin free and clear for a minute it was grand quit my job in a bad way not so hot. made me feel bad for a minute but couldnt let it get me down i have a couple court cases cuz i'm a speed demon but i'm hopin for the best on that one. school loans are a bitch just tryin to keep my eyes on the oh so ever golden prizes of having a great show on the 15th, and finishing my books and having a grand book showing/album release, and finally bonified with my Special Ed. certification, and living in NOLA....skating around so happy, set up there real fine.

i will let you in on a secret: whenever i embark on a project i get real nervous towards the middle, around the time when its do or die and i can't just quit. i start to wonder if people will appreciate what i've invested myself in, if they'll even "get" it. but those are demons to keep at bay. i shrug them off and keep on truckin. this book thing is a major project though. i think probably the biggest since the Orange Peel Pathway which i executed mostly by myself. 100 books by hand is no joke....

by now ian's gone from alaska, missed my chance to visit. learning alot of new things in many ways, cannot forget or forsake or be ungrateful. i am grateful for everything. would like to get into tennis, maybe evan will let me borrow his tennis stuff. get into meditation practice. get into shape. shape up my mind, shape up my ass. these times coming up are going to be rigorous. need to be sharp and clear and centered.

keeping in touch with my family, my grampa went back to filly. i am glad but sad i couldnt see him before he went. i will buy a phonecard and call tomorrow.




whoever's reading this, i wish to send you the most positive vibrations i can send from the bottom of my heart.
love til the end of days.

regaining

confirmation: 005920; case closed.

in the alley, to the right, is a red door.
knock on the door.
there will be people inside with tattoos everywhere.
they are friends.

these friends will speak wild things
and take you in as a sister.
they hold books in their hands
so luminous, light pouring out from the pages.
drink it in.

abre la mente los ojos y todo
para ver la verdad alcance para la luz no cree las mentiras vayan pasado, van pasado

H2H UPDATE

I would like to note that we closed out the last week with 18 BOOKS! oh yah and we've got a technique down it's really awesome super efficient.

that's all.