a note i'll never send. (pretty perso, beware)

ivan,

i loved you a very long time, you know that. i tried to tell you how i felt, but i always felt like you tried to brush me off.

the last time we started hanging out, we were doing great. you motivated me to start running 5-6 miles at a time, more than i've ever ran before! that was pretty special. i got to be close to your family again and of course you know how much i love them and vice versa. it was also very special to finally be honest and open about my feelings, and how "everything turned out".

well, at least i thought we were mature enough to handle that...because the minute i had a problem that concerned our feelings and i was blessed with an interesting revelation, you brushed me away. actually, first you erroneously accused me of thinking you were ignoring me when really i was just trying to get you to be with your family for YOUR OWN BROTHER'S BAPTISM, and then you brushed me away. you wouldn't speak with me or listen to me at all but instead told me i should go to some female church member (a stranger!) for the theological discussion i craved. you implied to me that i could find no community with you (i rarely could anyway), and that i would do better working it out on my own. complete bullshit. what is a community if not for discussing things, feelings and emotions? support in tough times? growth? i hated that about you. sometimes i could find you when i needed you, but for the most part i was left to fend for myself. friends are supposed to be there for each other. where were you when i needed you?

thus i was genuinely pissed off when you called me asking for EL MOZOTE, and added that you were also wondering how i was. fuck you man. anyone can see that you didn't want to talk to me not only because of my feelings for you, but because of yours for me. you've always been a coward about your feelings. that's how it's always been. that's why you missed your chance with me before lucas even existed in my life, when lucas was momentarily not in my life, and even now. so fuck you.

i've always been around for you, you haven't for me.
i've tried to be honest and open with you, but that's always been hard for you to do.
i try to reach out to you, you shrink back into the shadows.
i'll give you EL MOZOTE back, but that's for mr. cubias.
i'm done with you.

H2H UPDATE

we're about 13.5 books deep. almost double from last week, which is good. guess we didn't quite make it to double because of a lot of extraneous things that have occurred...such as clay getting sick and other very unexpected events.

currently experimenting with a new binding technique in which we decorate the pages BEFORE binding. we'll see how that goes.

my relationship with lucas is holding up okay, but sometimes gets in the way. i've committed myself to helping him out and giving him rides to work, but kind of cramps my late-night style. last night i wanted to work on books, but he texted me asking if i would hang out with him at his house before sleeping, instead of just coming over to sleep. thus, the .5....but i don't mind, he's been pretty supportive of my endeavors.

we need more photo printouts. we're 2/3 done with the big huge mod podge jar. we're going into our third (THIRD!) spongy glue brush. i wonder how many of all these things we'll run through by the end of the project...

i am considering recruiting my homeboy evan to join us in our project!
here's to hope...

MBG DIARIES [21 may]

Montrose Bike Gang!

in attendance: juan/marcia/barfzilla/paula anne/lindsay/hunter

started at the usual spot, headed downtown via louisiana. we ended up at notsuohs/deans/the home of easy credit and MAN THEY HAD AWESOME DRINK SPECIALS. it got pretty rowdy at one point, MBG getting hooked up with like 12 thousand plastic cups of beer (with a special invitation to float the keg!) and some dude (nonMBG of course) having a barf-a-rama session in front our very eyes.

somehow it ended up just juan/marcia/barfzilla/p.a. We went past the papa burger, through this neighborhood, past where barfzilla used to live. we went over the Elysian Fields bridge, which was a killer for everyone, especially p.a. who was on a cruiser (a loaner bike from HBC). biked past UHdowntown and checked out discovery green for a minute. ended up going to BZ's apartment, where p.a. cooked up adobo, a filipino specialty involving chicken, rice, garlic, onions, soysauce and vinegar. watched part of animals are people too and soon juan and marcia continued on their paths.

LOTS OF DRANK! LOTS OF GRUB! LOTS OF PARTY! LOTS OF LOVE!

***MBG rides every WEDNESDAY @ midnight. We meet @ copy.com/hollywood video parking lot, and take off @ 1230ish. Always open for suggested rides, all are welcome***

H2H UPDATE~~

well we're 8 books deep, gotta print more pics out and wouldn't you know it--the other week i got the biggest jar of mod podge there is (gloss-lustre is our special secret) and we've used up about 1/3 already

keepin it trill that is real + true in case you didn't know. nothin holdin us back except for clay's outrageous love affair with bedhead lifestyle. everything pushin us forward onward and upward to be done with this project, out of this city, down the street to new orleans where we'd set up shop and rock nola the fuck out! skate around everyday life without a car almost every day maybe commute over lake ponchartrain or however you spell it. punks are supersweet there they got big hearts. dreams of playin on the streets, settin up a typewriter "writer for hire" type of thing i'll be the sweetest little sidewalk act there or at least make for lots of sugartoothed grins. spread the love, live how i want. skate around town with a beer in my hand if i want. lots of heart & art til i'm dead and gone!

the wind blew in victor and georgina from montreal. they changed my life, the most sweetest of all blessings in a while. we connected somethin fierce, we are (always have been) brothers/sisters for life. never to forget the belgian (victor) cookin, always cookin. the first night dumpster dove whole foods and got a killer carrot soup out of it and for breakfast delectable dumpster delicacies. crepes! greens galore! and georgina is my age, but OH SO MANY MILES ON HER. i bet she's used up almost all the space in her passport. the most beautiful girl, i aspire to be like her. centered, calm, always smiling, radiating.

i'll never forget when i dropped them off up there 290W towards austin. dropped them off the side of the road, a little after a bridge, in hockley, tx. or somethin like that. fought back the slight inclination for tears when we said "i'll see you in the future! take care!" i'll never forget my last glimpse of them after i u-turned and was drivin back there they were makin a run for it straight to a-town, biggest smiles, brighter than the big summer sun. totally heartwarming i almost cant take it

just tryin to get so much done, oh so much done. the books are really somethin though. each one is different. daniel johnston would be proud.

i love life.

a bit schizo but otherwise okay

got stickers to make, book materials to copy out. materials to be bought once more financial support is underway.

i hope clay comes back soon. i didnt know i'd miss him so much.

slowly slipping slipping slipping into crazy ideas in my head all i want to do is be covered in paint with my jeans marred with paint and up to my eyeballs in artistic endeavors. no more tutoring! no more helping patrons at the library! i want out out out. cant play "work" any more...

hope that boy comes back soon and by that time got a bike in working order. got lots of work to do...

things falling apart, thinking nothing matters though, and that loans and debts aren't real because money sure isnt real, hasnt been since they took gold certificates away from people...cant get bummed out by things that dont exist. thats like on some freddy kruger tip.