1. Beautiful things can come out of shit.
2. Beautiful things can come out of nothing.
3. When someone criticizing you, it is only because they are deflecting criticisms others have of them.
4. Kwan Yin approach never goes out of style.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
lesson: fuck compartmentalism!
sometimes i think i should start a new journal for this or that reason but fuck it it makes things complicated. i like this all-in-one thing i got going.
anyway. today i was sitting there on the step of my gelato shop. i was simply looking at my surroundings, looking at the people: tourists (drive-in, flew in from some country in another continent, suburb/big city/rural area in america), fellow warriors in the service industry, families, older couples, couples on dates, group of teenagers, street performer/vendor/fortune teller. when i look at all the people i'm surrounded by i think "wow, this is america." many people may not understand what that means; i cannot fully define what that means. its america, and all that entails, fully encompassing all the ways that word means what it means.
i called my friend adnan, an old friend. sometimes i call him up for random conversations that i always mean to be short but because they're rather intellectual (i honestly dont get enough of that most people are intimidated by and/or too lazy for such conversation) they end up being quite lengthy. most times these heart2hearts end awkwardly but i dont care i'm glad i talked to him and i'm glad they end the way they do.
in short, here are some key points i'm safeguarding here for future reference. in no particular order
-will war ever end? no. anyway it's been happening for quite some time now. only been on the forefront now because weapons are cheap, among other reasons.
-a good way to decrease war: agreements between countries.
-not everyone has an empathetic point of view. a lot of people out there don't exactly know what it feels like to be a "have-not" and so, cannot empathize with the problems of someone who is going through "have-not" type situations.
-if you grew up in Texas, and overall in the southern regions of the United States, FACE IT: YOU WERE RIPPED OFF in your education. if you don't understand this now, go up north and check it out for a minute. Then honestly, objectively think about it. YOU WERE JIPPED. But it's okay, because at least you're not even in the worst-of-the-worst.
-if you look people in the eye, they are more likely to trust everything you say is truth.
-have/have-not is something that is prevalent in all aspects of life on the micro- and macro-cosmic level. it's pretty "trippy" for the likes of me, personally, but it's okay that this kind of thing psyches me out.
-one of the reasons i got into creative things is to convey such personal discoveries in an easily-acceptable, appealing, intriguing fashion.
-New Orleans is most notably functioning in its own economic bubble. reasons:
A: federal funding from Katrina relief pumped money into New Orleans economy; its effect coincidentally pumped money into New Orleans in time to sustain it during the depression
B: New Orleans is a city based on vices; people come here to get away from their problems, spend lots of money on tourist type things, eat out every night they're here, spend money on various accomodations, public transportations, etc. people come here to "live easy," spend freely.
--anyway, this is the first of many such notations, i'm sure.
anyway. today i was sitting there on the step of my gelato shop. i was simply looking at my surroundings, looking at the people: tourists (drive-in, flew in from some country in another continent, suburb/big city/rural area in america), fellow warriors in the service industry, families, older couples, couples on dates, group of teenagers, street performer/vendor/fortune teller. when i look at all the people i'm surrounded by i think "wow, this is america." many people may not understand what that means; i cannot fully define what that means. its america, and all that entails, fully encompassing all the ways that word means what it means.
i called my friend adnan, an old friend. sometimes i call him up for random conversations that i always mean to be short but because they're rather intellectual (i honestly dont get enough of that most people are intimidated by and/or too lazy for such conversation) they end up being quite lengthy. most times these heart2hearts end awkwardly but i dont care i'm glad i talked to him and i'm glad they end the way they do.
in short, here are some key points i'm safeguarding
-will war ever end? no. anyway it's been happening for quite some time now. only been on the forefront now because weapons are cheap, among other reasons.
-a good way to decrease war: agreements between countries.
-not everyone has an empathetic point of view. a lot of people out there don't exactly know what it feels like to be a "have-not" and so, cannot empathize with the problems of someone who is going through "have-not" type situations.
-if you grew up in Texas, and overall in the southern regions of the United States, FACE IT: YOU WERE RIPPED OFF in your education. if you don't understand this now, go up north and check it out for a minute. Then honestly, objectively think about it. YOU WERE JIPPED. But it's okay, because at least you're not even in the worst-of-the-worst.
-if you look people in the eye, they are more likely to trust everything you say is truth.
-have/have-not is something that is prevalent in all aspects of life on the micro- and macro-cosmic level. it's pretty "trippy" for the likes of me, personally, but it's okay that this kind of thing psyches me out.
-one of the reasons i got into creative things is to convey such personal discoveries in an easily-acceptable, appealing, intriguing fashion.
-New Orleans is most notably functioning in its own economic bubble. reasons:
A: federal funding from Katrina relief pumped money into New Orleans economy; its effect coincidentally pumped money into New Orleans in time to sustain it during the depression
B: New Orleans is a city based on vices; people come here to get away from their problems, spend lots of money on tourist type things, eat out every night they're here, spend money on various accomodations, public transportations, etc. people come here to "live easy," spend freely.
--anyway, this is the first of many such notations, i'm sure.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
what changed?
there's a man who comes in every evening now, he's the conductor for the play down the street. some of the musicians come in here too before the show. anyway. one day...
[me yawning as i pour his cup of coffee]
HIM: been a long day?
P: yah, a buncha runnin around.
[we chuckle]
you know, when i was younger i thought it was so fun to go out and do errands! now, it's different. know what i mean?
HIM: yah, things change.
P: tell me, is it just me because i got older and busier, or is it the world because it got faster and busier? what is it, what changed?
HIM: oh well i don't know, if i had the answer for that...i don't know, but i think it's the fun. you don't have as much fun as you used to when you get older.
P: ohh--the FUN FACTOR?
HIM: yah, that's it, the fun factor. anyway that's my answer today. we'll see about tomorrow.
so i guess that's it. the fun factor. then it hit me: how do we have fun as we get older? i skate, but i gotta confess, my right ankle isn't as young as it used to be...it's kinda hard sometimes. i still think that's fun.
what else? i guess i participate in creative projects, that's fun. really fun. earning lots of tips, that's fun. i dont really drink that much. that was never too much fun for me to begin with. i dont do psychedelics anymore either, i've learned to be psychedelic without the substances. in this way, i have learned to create my own fun with only my mind. but is this enough? am i forgetting something i should know about? smoking's fun. willie nelson said "it takes the edge off." bless him for being so right. in this way, i definitely don't forget how to have fun.
but what is it? what is this stress monster? how do i defeat it? what powers of my mind do i need (or need to cultivate)?
===
other than that, not too much to complain about. house is SPOTLESSSS due to someone's mother coming for halloween. also, the dogs are starting to fill out more, means i'm doin a good job of feeding them. work is the same, a bit better. cant complain. might have my rent fully by the 1st, that's very exciting to me. can't complain.
[me yawning as i pour his cup of coffee]
HIM: been a long day?
P: yah, a buncha runnin around.
[we chuckle]
you know, when i was younger i thought it was so fun to go out and do errands! now, it's different. know what i mean?
HIM: yah, things change.
P: tell me, is it just me because i got older and busier, or is it the world because it got faster and busier? what is it, what changed?
HIM: oh well i don't know, if i had the answer for that...i don't know, but i think it's the fun. you don't have as much fun as you used to when you get older.
P: ohh--the FUN FACTOR?
HIM: yah, that's it, the fun factor. anyway that's my answer today. we'll see about tomorrow.
so i guess that's it. the fun factor. then it hit me: how do we have fun as we get older? i skate, but i gotta confess, my right ankle isn't as young as it used to be...it's kinda hard sometimes. i still think that's fun.
what else? i guess i participate in creative projects, that's fun. really fun. earning lots of tips, that's fun. i dont really drink that much. that was never too much fun for me to begin with. i dont do psychedelics anymore either, i've learned to be psychedelic without the substances. in this way, i have learned to create my own fun with only my mind. but is this enough? am i forgetting something i should know about? smoking's fun. willie nelson said "it takes the edge off." bless him for being so right. in this way, i definitely don't forget how to have fun.
but what is it? what is this stress monster? how do i defeat it? what powers of my mind do i need (or need to cultivate)?
===
other than that, not too much to complain about. house is SPOTLESSSS due to someone's mother coming for halloween. also, the dogs are starting to fill out more, means i'm doin a good job of feeding them. work is the same, a bit better. cant complain. might have my rent fully by the 1st, that's very exciting to me. can't complain.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
PROMPT: WRITE HOW YOU FEEL AFTER TRYING OUT THE NEW AND IMPROVED LOOSENED UP DECK:
WOW it feels amazing i never felt anything like it before. seriously. loosen up, we always say in jest and good cheer. but man when one actually does loosen up, it's like the light is brighter, seeing each individual blade of grass for the first time, like letting go of bowel movements long overdue. this new loose setup has opened up my mind's eye in my skateboard. i feel like i've been reborn, i feel like i've found the eighth ply. my board just took on a whole new meaning. my life has been most epically changed. i'm totally juiced. i'm so amped. i'm way amped. i am so upset it's rainy right now or else god bless it i'd be out there right now 2 am all wild in the streets i'd be my own one-woman second line. instead of writing about it; but for now i'm dreaming about it like the kiss i can't wait to feel like i can't wait for my next date with this tre' chic dreamboat annie of a deck.
i
want
to
fuck
in
ride
this
deck
all
night
long
people
watch
me
come
in
real
fast
every
where
i
go
people
watch
me
big
luau
skate
mama
no
mumu
i
want
to
fuck
in
ride
this
deck
all
night
long
people
watch
me
come
in
real
fast
every
where
i
go
people
watch
me
big
luau
skate
mama
no
mumu
Saturday, October 24, 2009
in google we trust
look up your name. what do you see? a lot of names similar to yours? events you were part of a long time ago? is it an accurate summary of what you've been doing these past few years? any photos? videos?
i googled my name today for the first time in a while. i think the last time i did it was when i was a reference librarian and no one was around to help, so i was bored and looked up my name. PAULA ANICETE, PAULA ANNE ANICETE, PAULA ANNE SOCCO ANICETE.
i am always surprised at all the other anicete's i see on the web. are they actually related to me? my last name is quite unusual, i'm not even being boastful. other filipinos dont have names like this, they're usually names like macasaet, garza, villareal, or something.
anyway.
so i look up my name. people who dont know me can gather that i was once employed with the houston public library (i'm quite proud of this), VOICES BREAKING BOUNDARIES, kayumanggi pinoy rock band, overgrown (westheimer street festival), They Who Sound, which was this underground artsy series in houston circa 2008, and just mostly noted in a few houston art blogs. oh, and also you can find my articles i write for daybowbow, my latest writing commitment.
is this an accurate electronic depiction of the sum of my life's work as of yet?
i guess so. nowhere does it say, however, that i ever worked for the Fil-Am Press, which was a pretty big commitment in my life for a few years. this blog is also under the radar.
interesting.
i've only been at this "artist" thing for 2-3 years. i'm okay with that, and with whatever notes people have of me online.
there are sparks i feel going off inside me. i am mesmorized at the thought of finally giving in to my creative endeavors and just do it. put all of my heart and effort into making really awesome art-related things. i get scared though, because what if it's all for nothing, all for a flash-in-the-pan success? what if the things i'm pouring my life energy into now are just piddly things that don't amount to anything major in the end? what exactly IS the thing i'm trying to amount to?
i get easily allured into artistic endeavors, and out of focusing on my impending teacher certication exam. from this i derive some anxieties.
i've been known to make it, against all odds. let's hope that's something very true about me.
i googled my name today for the first time in a while. i think the last time i did it was when i was a reference librarian and no one was around to help, so i was bored and looked up my name. PAULA ANICETE, PAULA ANNE ANICETE, PAULA ANNE SOCCO ANICETE.
i am always surprised at all the other anicete's i see on the web. are they actually related to me? my last name is quite unusual, i'm not even being boastful. other filipinos dont have names like this, they're usually names like macasaet, garza, villareal, or something.
anyway.
so i look up my name. people who dont know me can gather that i was once employed with the houston public library (i'm quite proud of this), VOICES BREAKING BOUNDARIES, kayumanggi pinoy rock band, overgrown (westheimer street festival), They Who Sound, which was this underground artsy series in houston circa 2008, and just mostly noted in a few houston art blogs. oh, and also you can find my articles i write for daybowbow, my latest writing commitment.
is this an accurate electronic depiction of the sum of my life's work as of yet?
i guess so. nowhere does it say, however, that i ever worked for the Fil-Am Press, which was a pretty big commitment in my life for a few years. this blog is also under the radar.
interesting.
i've only been at this "artist" thing for 2-3 years. i'm okay with that, and with whatever notes people have of me online.
there are sparks i feel going off inside me. i am mesmorized at the thought of finally giving in to my creative endeavors and just do it. put all of my heart and effort into making really awesome art-related things. i get scared though, because what if it's all for nothing, all for a flash-in-the-pan success? what if the things i'm pouring my life energy into now are just piddly things that don't amount to anything major in the end? what exactly IS the thing i'm trying to amount to?
i get easily allured into artistic endeavors, and out of focusing on my impending teacher certication exam. from this i derive some anxieties.
i've been known to make it, against all odds. let's hope that's something very true about me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
dream
In this world I visited, I had two friends who couldn't conceive on their own, so they asked me if I would bear their child for them. Next thing I know I was taking this pill, and all of a sudden I was pregnant. In this world, apparently, all I would have to do as a third party was take this pill created out of the client's dna genes and whatnot.
Anyway, I only felt compelled to write about this dream when I remembered what feelings I had in this dream. Feelings of being trapped, of being forced into something I don't want to do. I was upset that I didn't have any options. I could abort--I was thinking of taking a pill to undo the pill pregnancy--that's pretty reasonable, yes? But it was the fact that I had that obligation to fulfill, a binding contract. It did not feel good to be bound in this fashion. I was nervous and afraid.
I was nervous and afraid of the pain that comes with giving birth. So many people say that, then have kids, but seriously I swear I am not one of those people. I think that shit would suck so hard. Pain beyond anything I can stand, so much that I would need an EPI OH MY GOD AN EPI a shot to my vertebrae WHICH HURTS IN ITSELF I mean jeez it's my friggin VERTEBRAE.
And all the while my innards are making me feel all sorts of foreign (yet not so foreign because it's centuries old) feelings and I'm having foreign (yet not so foreign because for centuries women and other females across kingdom/phylum/rank/genus/order/species/etc) reactions. I am contracting, a baby is kicking and traveling southwards within me...
Yah, that shit's too much. What the fuck. I can't do it. Anyone that says it's not that bad only says it because they decided to go for the epidural, which probably means they don't have an aversion to needles. I, however, a strong, intrinsic aversion to needles. I got my immunization shots last month for a plethora of things recently. I walked out a big, sniffling baby. People usually have a tough time with my skin because of my eczema...like I have literally thick skin and they are off-put because they have to get a bigger needle or "jab" a bit more...it's scary to me, and the soreness I feel is worse than any of the falls I've ever had on my skateboard, or at least just as bad and def. not as fun.
It began when I was 4 and had to get my immunization shots for pre-school. My mother knew I wouldn't like the shots; for the past year I'd been taking all kinds of "little" injections for this or that, and doctors taking blood for my "tests" about my eczema and whatnot. So these "big" immunization shots, "big" because they can make your arm really sore for hours even days, were really going to make me upset. Knowing that I love books, she told me we were going to the library. We went as far as the parking lot for the library, where the immunizations tent was.
I was upset somethin fierce, I was crying, screaming, I tried to bite the nurses! It took at least a couple nurses and the doctor to administer those immunizations. I was probably like a mini version of Elizabeth Taylor from The Taming of the Shrew.
I don't remember if we even went to the library afterwards.
I would never put myself in a circumstance in which I was forced to do something I don't want to do and suffer the painful consequences.
What does this mean to me in reality, if that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this dream?
I immediately think of my loans. I really must try to salvage what I can from that.
Anyway, I only felt compelled to write about this dream when I remembered what feelings I had in this dream. Feelings of being trapped, of being forced into something I don't want to do. I was upset that I didn't have any options. I could abort--I was thinking of taking a pill to undo the pill pregnancy--that's pretty reasonable, yes? But it was the fact that I had that obligation to fulfill, a binding contract. It did not feel good to be bound in this fashion. I was nervous and afraid.
I was nervous and afraid of the pain that comes with giving birth. So many people say that, then have kids, but seriously I swear I am not one of those people. I think that shit would suck so hard. Pain beyond anything I can stand, so much that I would need an EPI OH MY GOD AN EPI a shot to my vertebrae WHICH HURTS IN ITSELF I mean jeez it's my friggin VERTEBRAE.
And all the while my innards are making me feel all sorts of foreign (yet not so foreign because it's centuries old) feelings and I'm having foreign (yet not so foreign because for centuries women and other females across kingdom/phylum/rank/genus/order/species/etc) reactions. I am contracting, a baby is kicking and traveling southwards within me...
Yah, that shit's too much. What the fuck. I can't do it. Anyone that says it's not that bad only says it because they decided to go for the epidural, which probably means they don't have an aversion to needles. I, however, a strong, intrinsic aversion to needles. I got my immunization shots last month for a plethora of things recently. I walked out a big, sniffling baby. People usually have a tough time with my skin because of my eczema...like I have literally thick skin and they are off-put because they have to get a bigger needle or "jab" a bit more...it's scary to me, and the soreness I feel is worse than any of the falls I've ever had on my skateboard, or at least just as bad and def. not as fun.
It began when I was 4 and had to get my immunization shots for pre-school. My mother knew I wouldn't like the shots; for the past year I'd been taking all kinds of "little" injections for this or that, and doctors taking blood for my "tests" about my eczema and whatnot. So these "big" immunization shots, "big" because they can make your arm really sore for hours even days, were really going to make me upset. Knowing that I love books, she told me we were going to the library. We went as far as the parking lot for the library, where the immunizations tent was.
I was upset somethin fierce, I was crying, screaming, I tried to bite the nurses! It took at least a couple nurses and the doctor to administer those immunizations. I was probably like a mini version of Elizabeth Taylor from The Taming of the Shrew.
I don't remember if we even went to the library afterwards.
I would never put myself in a circumstance in which I was forced to do something I don't want to do and suffer the painful consequences.
What does this mean to me in reality, if that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this dream?
I immediately think of my loans. I really must try to salvage what I can from that.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
rainy evening
i like it, i like the sound of water and the blues from the radio intermingling. i like the muggy-then-breezy feel of tonight. it's so romantic.
i am not sad it's raining. I love how film noir it looks: the black and white taxi cabs and bright red brakelights, the way the wet streets reflect everything.
i haven't skated in a while, i did for a little bit today, on the way to the park to meet my friends for acro-yoga.
THAT'S MY NEW THING, by the way: acrobatics.
seriously.
i love it, i love feeling very "present," very "in" my body. i love walking on slackrope; acro makes me feel strong and graceful at the same time.
i didn't even mind when an ant bit my toe and it swelled up so huge and was prickly and itchy (i'm allergic to ants).
i am not sad it's raining. I love how film noir it looks: the black and white taxi cabs and bright red brakelights, the way the wet streets reflect everything.
i haven't skated in a while, i did for a little bit today, on the way to the park to meet my friends for acro-yoga.
THAT'S MY NEW THING, by the way: acrobatics.
seriously.
i love it, i love feeling very "present," very "in" my body. i love walking on slackrope; acro makes me feel strong and graceful at the same time.
i didn't even mind when an ant bit my toe and it swelled up so huge and was prickly and itchy (i'm allergic to ants).
the good and bad.
GOOD:
-i'm getting into voodoo fest for free and seeing THE FLAMING LIPS!
-going to City Park to watch a good play @ 7 am tomorrow
-got into a housecleaning gig, $50 guaranteed for next week!
-the puppet show was a smash success
-applying to the herb import, more housecleaning gigs, and asking for more hours @ other la divina shoppes.
-starting to make payments again to my student loans.
BAD:
-i gotta call the ombudsman for my other loans.
-my teacher exam's coming up, ready or not.
-i really might have to make up a "Plan C" for my future plans.
-don't wake up early enough, dont have a morning routine so i end up kind of wasting chunks of time and before i know it it's afternoon...
at least bad still outweighs good.
-i'm getting into voodoo fest for free and seeing THE FLAMING LIPS!
-going to City Park to watch a good play @ 7 am tomorrow
-got into a housecleaning gig, $50 guaranteed for next week!
-the puppet show was a smash success
-applying to the herb import, more housecleaning gigs, and asking for more hours @ other la divina shoppes.
-starting to make payments again to my student loans.
BAD:
-i gotta call the ombudsman for my other loans.
-my teacher exam's coming up, ready or not.
-i really might have to make up a "Plan C" for my future plans.
-don't wake up early enough, dont have a morning routine so i end up kind of wasting chunks of time and before i know it it's afternoon...
at least bad still outweighs good.
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